Old Age comes a'calling
I am so sorry, but I can't remember your name
Me: I’m beginning to understand why they say people over 60 need all those vaccines. I had a summer cold that knocked me down for two whole weeks. My immune system is just breaking down, isn’t it? It’s entropy!
Old age: That sounds bad. Do they have a vaccine for entropy?
Me: You’re making me forgetful, aren’t you?
Old age: What makes you say that?
Me: I’ve gotten worse at Jeopardy! I recently had trouble with this clue: “In 2009, this US Airways pilot miraculously landed an Airbus A320 and its 150 passengers in the Hudson River.”
Old age: What was your answer?
Me: “That guy Tom Hanks played in the movie!”
Me: I remember when I used to run into my friends out to eat at restaurants, or going to shows.
Old age: And now?
Me: I run into my friends at physical therapy.
Jeopardy! host Ken Jennings: Truly one of his lesser-known novels is 1933’s To a God Unknown, set in California and informed by the Bible.
Me: That guy who wrote Of Mice and Men!
My phone: A new iOs update is available. Update now?
Me: No! The old system is just fine, thank you. My days upon this earth grow short. I don’t want to waste what precious time I have left re-learning how to use my phone.
Me: My husband has been trying to learn how to use the new “speech-to-text” function on his computer. He sent me a message that was supposed to say, “The report is attached. Please let me know if you have any questions.”
Old age: What did it say instead?
Me: “The court is attached to her in Lee’s army now if you have any questions.”
Old age: Now I understand why you don’t want to waste time learning new computer skills.
Jeopardy! host Ken Jennings: The first of many monuments to her went up in Orleans in 1456.
Me: That lady they burned at the stake!
Me: I can’t keep up with all of today’s Hollywood celebrities. It doesn’t help that they’re all named “Chris.” How am I supposed to tell them apart?
Old age: Chris Hemsworth was in Thor. Chris Pratt was in Guardians of the Galaxy. Chris Evans was in Captain America. Chris Pine was in Star Trek.
Me: Now can you do the Seths?
Old age: Seth Green was in Austin Powers. Seth MacFarlane was on Family Guy. Seth Rogen was in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Seth Meyers is on Late Night.
Me: This isn’t helping. It just makes my head hurt. I’m going to go read a book. There’s a new thriller out by that guy who used to be president.
Do you ever see or contact Jelly Bean’s dad? Could you coax him onto Substack? I tire if reading one paragraph and get told to subscribe. Don't wanna. In Wetumpka. I like him as much as you…
Lisa, I did not receive today's columnist my email.
I have never received your columns in my email.
When I try to send you emails, substack gives me garbage about unable to send.
If you get this, email me directly.
Karen