Green and bear it

Warning: I'm about to use colorful language

Why do we wear green on St. Patrick’s Day? Because it makes you invisible to leprechauns, who would otherwise pinch you. And also because green represents the shamrock, a symbol of St. Patrick as well as Irish pride and independence.

There are plenty of other ways to wear the green.

Green is the color you become when you’re queasy, or jealous, or trying to kill Dorothy.

If you’re a greenhorn, you’re inexperienced. If you have a green thumb, you’re experienced — with plants, at least.

Shrek is green. The Grinch is green. Yoda is green. Oscar the Grouch is green. Outcasts, all of them. Kermit was right — it’s not easy being green.

Frankenstein. The Incredible Hulk. Mike Wazowski. The wall at Fenway Park. Envy is not the only green-eyed monster.

Mean Joe Green is scarier than all of them.

To celebrate St. Paddy’s Day, you can dye your beer green, or have a cup of green tea, a bottle of Mountain Dew or a glass of absinthe. Just be careful with the absinthe. It can be toxic. Actually, so can the Mountain Dew.

You can eat green beans, collard greens and fried green tomatoes. But green eggs and ham might make you green around the gills. You could eat green cheese, but you might have to fly to the moon.

Green Bay, Wisconsin, is really cold. Greenland is mostly ice. Green Acres is the place to be.

If you’re in the greenhouse, you’re tending plants. If you’re in the green room, you’re waiting to go on TV. If you’re on the green, good luck with that putt.

Tom Jones sang about the green, green grass of home. Sugarloaf sang about a green-eyed lady. Green Day sang about the boulevard of broken dreams.

The Green Knight was one of King Arthur’s greatest champions. The Green Lantern is a superhero who fights evil. The Jolly Green Giant sets a good example by eating his vegetables.

In ancient Egypt, the god Osiris was usually depicted with a green face. During the Vietnam War, Navy SEALs were known as “the men with green faces” because of their camouflage paint. Packers and Eagles fans like to paint their faces green.

There’s an old English ballad about a lady in green sleeves. You can earn a green belt in karate. Captain Kangaroo had a singing sidekick who wore green jeans.

Dollar bills became “greenbacks” in 1861 when the U.S. started using green ink to deter counterfeiters. I’d rather be rolling in the green than bowling on the green.

We’re all just livin’ on Greenwich Mean Time.

Go for it. You’ve got the green light.