Another conversation with old age
How can I be expected to sit through a three-hour movie without a break?
Me: Why do they make such long movies these days? “Oppenheimer” is three hours long. “Killers of the Flower Moon” is three-and-a-half hours long.
Old age: Maybe the filmmakers have important and complex things to say.
Me: Don’t they realize their target audience has diminishing bladder control?
Me: My phone updated again in the middle of the night without telling me. It feels like a burglar snuck in and moved all my stuff around.
Old age: They probably just needed to fix a security flaw.
Me: I don’t like change. I would rather be hacked by China.
Me: I’m confused by all these new sodas, like Starry. What is that supposed to taste like?
Old age: Starry is a lemon-lime soda from Pepsi. It replaced Sierra Mist.
Me: I never liked Sierra Mist anyway. OK, what’s Olipop?
Old age: Olipop is supposed to be good for your digestive health. It contains prebiotics, botanicals and plant fibers like kudzu root.
Me: Well, I’m glad somebody figured out something to do with all the kudzu. OK, what’s Poppi?
Old age: Poppi is also supposed to be good for your digestive health. It contains prebiotics, fruit juice and apple cider vinegar. They call it “a modern soda for the next generation.”
Me: Well, the next generation can have their carbonated kudzu vinegar. Just means more Dr Pepper for my generation.
Me: My dentist has advised me to switch to an electric toothbrush. She said I need to be extra-vigilant about my dental hygiene because of this medicine I’m taking for osteoporosis.
Old age: How is that going?
Me: I may have sprayed toothpaste all over the bathroom a couple of times.
Old age: How many times have I told you that you need to keep your mouth shut?
Me: Am I shrinking, or are they making cars bigger? If I’m driving my husband’s SUV, I can’t see out the back window.
Old age: I guess that’s why they invented the backup camera.
Me: I also have trouble closing the hatch because it’s so heavy.
Old age: I guess that’s why they invented that little button to push to close the hatch.
Me: Wouldn’t it just be easier to make cars the way they used to?
Old age: I suppose so. Oh, and yes, you are shrinking.
Me: Why can’t the computer companies all use the same charger cords? USB, USB-C, lightning cables, micro-somethings — how am I supposed to keep all this straight?
Old age: It’s a small price to pay for technological innovation.
Me: I still struggle with those electric plugs that are bigger on one side.
Me: Hey, the stuff I used to wear in high school is suddenly cool again — fanny packs, bell bottom pants, clog shoes.
Old age: So the clothes in the back of your closet are fashionable now?
Me: This is why I never throw anything away.
We agree! We did both movies in two nights! I feel something is lost when this becomes a necessity.